never meant to love you but it's too late now
by jonimitchell
Summary: They're like a family, her and Noah and Quinn and Brittany and Sam and Finn, but there's something different about her friendship with Finn. AU.


I.

One thing Rachel is absolutely certain of – the thing she has been certain of since her first conscious thoughts – is that she will be a singer. The execution of that dream changes, of course, as she grows up. She's four when she wants to be a Disney princess, and when Papa and Daddy take her and Noah to Disney World, she keeps that dream alive. She is absolutely certain she will grow up, become Belle at Disney World, and marry her own Beast.

It changes when she watches _The Lizzie McGuire Movie_, and again when she watches _Raise your Voice_. She's six when she decides she will be Hilary Duff, because not only can Hilary act, she also has the voice of an absolute angel. But she's eight when _everything_ changes.

Daddy surprises her with tickets to a musical, for a Daddy and Rachel day while Papa and Noah do something Noah likes.

They're outside the theater when she asks him, "What's a musical?"

And _that_, of course, is when her love of the stage begins. She's in love. Obsessed. She's been taking ballet since she was four but she signs up for tap and jazz and she watches all the musicals Papa will check out of the library for her, and she falls in love with _Funny Girl_ and _Hello Dolly _and _Annie_ and _Little Shop of Horrors_. The last one scares her, sometimes, and she's had to crawl in bed with Noah a few times to calm her nerves.

She adores it. The music, the dancing, the _romance_. She decides then and there her life will be its own musical, and even if Stephen Sondheim never responds to her emails, she'll just write it herself.

Her high school has an all right drama department, and she supposes that a slightly mediocre drama department is better than no drama department at all. Papa and Daddy tell her she shines on the stage, and even Noah tells her good job after her very first performance.

Rachel hates high school. She makes one really good friend, Quinn, who is practically her antithesis – blonde, popular, pretty – but they get along so, so well, even if Quinn ditches her sometimes to hang out with boys. Rachel isn't bothered, really, as she knows this friendship probably will not last past high school.

She's just a freshman in high school when Noah leaves for college in New York City. They live just thirty minutes (by train) from the city, but she misses him terribly and creates a countdown at the beginning of November to Thanksgiving, and he calls a week before he's due to tell them he's bringing his friend, Finn, from Ohio, if that's fine.

Papa and Daddy are thrilled. They _love_ company, and ever since Nana moved to Florida, she refuses to go further north than Fort Lauderdale. Holidays can be a bit lonely, just her and her parents and Noah, but now they've got Finn, so they're extraordinarily excited.

This Thanksgiving, she's going through this awkward stage. Puberty still hasn't really caught up to her mental age, so she looks about twelve. She's disjointed and she can't wait for the day she stops feeling so out of place in her own body. Nonetheless, Thanksgiving morning, she dresses in her most favorite sweater (it's got a turkey on the chest) and heads downstairs to help her parents in the kitchen.

She's helping Papa grill some vegetables when the door opens, and Noah's voice bellows, "Sup, family? I'm home!"

She squeals and has half a mind to wash her hands before she runs into the foyer and hugs her brother tight. "I missed you so much!"

"Hey, munchkin, I missed you, too," he says, hugs her tight and sets her on her feet. "Rachel, this is my buddy, Finn, Finn, this is my baby sister, Rachel."

She looks away from her brother to observe the boy next to him. He's tall and broad and _cute_ and he's got brown hair and she smiles at him and sticks her hand out for him to shake. He's looking at her chest and she knows he's not looking there to check her out, but to gauge whether or not she is wearing her turkey sweater ironically. And there is absolutely nothing _ironic_ about animal sweaters, thank you very much!

She feels dopey, smiling at him and shaking his hand, and decides that even though his brows are raised a little judgmentally, she really likes him.

"I'm not a baby, Noah," she tells her brother after a moment. Finn really _is_ too cute for his own good. She looks at Finn. "I'm not."

"Sure, sure," Noah says, hooking his arm around her shoulders and ruffling her hair. "Still the size of a fifth grader, I see."

She glares, feels her cheeks red hot and she pinches Noah's elbow in retaliation.

It's not until later, after dinner, when Papa and Daddy retire to the living room and leave the boys to do the dishes (Rachel decides after a moment to help them clear the table), that she hears it.

"Yeah, I'm thinking of asking her out tonight," Noah's saying.

"Dude, don't leave me here alone."

"You won't be alone, man."

She's in the kitchen now, watching them interact, wondering if maybe she should say something, but she feels so – so shy, and young, and then Finn says, "Your dads are nice and all, man, but I don't wanna be stuck here with them and your freak sister."

Her eyes get so wide. _Freak_? She feels her bottom lip push out, her throat get all choked, that familiar prickle in her eyes and she doesn't even bother hearing Noah stand up for her and she hurries out of the kitchen, thankful for her sock-clad feet, and she ignores her dads' concerned inquiries and she shuts herself in her room.

It's not easy being Rachel Berry, future Broadway star. In order for future memoir opportunities (and subsequent film and stage adaptations) she must remain completely unique. Unfortunately, of course, other human beings and peers and (not so) possible boyfriends do not respond well to Rachel's inherent need to be different, to be true to herself, and she resents being called a _freak_ for being who she is.

She decides therein that Finn Hudson is not worth any more of her tears, and furthermore, that the only way to seed out worthwhile friendships is to stay true to herself no matter what.

II.

Quinn hugs her tight, her face wet with tears, and she cries, "Rachel, I'm going to miss you _so much_!"

It's hot and muggy and tomorrow Rachel moves into Nana's apartment in the city, and next week she'll start work shopping her Off-Broadway show and she can't believe her entire life is coming together so fast, but she feels so, so thankful. And lucky, of course.

"Are you scared?"

"A little bit." She looks around her room, empty but for the suitcase and boxes by the door, and she feels her stomach roll in nerves. "I mean, it's finally happening, you know? All my dreams are coming together."

"I'm happy for you." She looks away. "I'll miss you, though. I mean, we were supposed to do it all together – elementary, middle school, high school, Yale. And like…I'm so glad you're doing this. I've just been used to having you as my sidekick."

Rachel resists the urge to roll her eyes and instead squeezes Quinn's hand. "I mean, it's – it's not like this is goodbye forever. You can come to New York, when you graduate, and we can live together and be fabulous in the city. Okay?"

Quinn manages a smile. "Okay. You really are my best friend. Like, remember when Billy stood me up that one night and you came over and watched _Charmed_ reruns with me? Who's gonna do that at Yale?"

This time, she rolls her eyes. "Quinn, you'll make so many friends, you know that."

"That's true. I am very likeable."

They laugh, and Rachel thinks she'll actually miss Quinn. She's pretty certain that come this fall, when Quinn heads off to New Haven, they'll slowly and steadily grow apart until the only mentions of Quinn Rachel will hear will be from run-ins her fathers have with the Fabrays at the grocery store.

Everything moves fast from there. She moves into her purple New York City apartment (it's Nana's and rent controlled and so, so lonely) and Noah comes by for dinner every Thursday and she starts her show and then things feel a little less lonely.

Her cast is pretty fantastic. She meets this girl, Brittany, who's in the chorus and they go to lunch every once and awhile during their breaks, and Rachel makes her very first New York friend.

"I'm just so sick of living with my grandmother. She doesn't understand Lord Tubbington the way he deserves, and it's getting to be an honest problem." She looks away. "At this point, I might find a box and live out in the streets. It's never going to be cold again because of global warming, right?"

"Um, no, it's probably going to get cold very soon, Brittany." Brittany pouts a little, and Rachel makes an executive decision and she says, "I've got a spare room in a rent controlled apartment, so – so why don't you just move in? With me? I mean, we've been friends since June and it's nearly Thanksgiving, now, so…"

She purses her lips, and then she smiles. "You like cats, right?"

And then she's got a roommate, and things sort of build from there. She's got her brother and she's got Brittany and the rest of the cast always takes her out for drinks on Friday and it's so adult and grownup and it's horrible, but she doesn't find herself missing Quinn or home at all.

Maybe it's all a part of growing up. She's not sure just yet.

III.

Honest, she's glad to be going home for Thanksgiving. She's not ready just yet to have Thanksgiving at her apartment with Brittany and Noah and whoever else joins them. She wants to sleep in her childhood room and watch _It's a Wonderful Life_ with Papa because it's his favorite, and workshop for the show is on break starting the Tuesday before the holiday, so she hops on a train and heads home.

On Thursday morning, Noah comes over with a guest in tow – Finn Hudson. She hasn't seen him since she was fourteen and gawky and she knows she's nowhere near Quinn Fabray's levels of beauty, but she doesn't flinch away in the mirror anymore and she doesn't wear quite so many animal sweaters.

Today, she's just wearing a black dress and purple tights and maybe the neckline is a little revealing but she sort of delights in the way his eyes drink her in when she runs down the stairs to say hello to her brother.

She's still hugging Noah when she says, "Oh, hello, Finn."

"Hey, uh…Rachel." He's smiling and it doesn't make her uncomfortable, but she doesn't _want_ him to look at her like she could be his.

Later, after dinner, she's curled on the couch with the latest Barbra biography and Finn sits beside her.

"D'you mind? I'm so, like, full, I feel like I can't move."

She laughs and watches him settle in the couch. He's so very big. Tall and broad and strong looking, and she feels incredibly minute. She remembers how her heart had thudded when she'd first seen him, remembers how badly she wanted to kiss him, how cute she thought he was.

He's still so handsome, really. But she's not that fourteen-year-old girl with her head in the clouds, and she's not quite so head over heels for every cute boy she sees.

"…Rachel?"

"Sorry. What did you say?"

"I said that Puck," that's Noah's insipid nickname, it comes from his middle name which is Daddy's original last name before he changed it to _Berry_, "Puck said you're on Broadway. That's pretty cool."

"Why, yes, yes it is pretty cool, now that you mention it." She smiles at him. "What do you do?"

"Uh, starting this January I'm teaching history and music at a high school in the city." He leans his head back, closes his eyes, breathes in deep. He groans a little. "I'm uncomfortably full. Currently, though, I'm just bartending at this place and living with your brother, but like – did he tell you he was gonna propose to what's-her-name?"

What's-her-name is Lauren, this girl Noah met in college and has been dating ever since. Rachel likes her, mostly. She's friendly, a little intimidating, but pretty nice nonetheless.

"He's been telling me that for years, Finn."

"He bought a ring."

Rachel sighs. "So, what does it matter to you if he's proposing?"

"Uh, I have to find a place to live?"

"Well, I have a roommate."

He laughs, but it's good-natured and warm. She thinks that maybe he could be her friend. "I didn't mean with you, though I guess I appreciate the rejection. Honestly, though, I'll be looking for an apartment _so_ if you hear of any openings in your building, or like…from anyone at your show, could you give me a call?"

"Oh! Of course, Finn!" She smiles at him. "Give me your number, and I'll call you if ever I hear anything!"

IV.

Noah proposes, and Finn moves in across the hall, and they become a sort of family – her and Finn and Noah and Brittany. In the spring, Finn finds a roommate, his name's Jesse, and he's everything Rachel could ever want in a man.

First of all, he's seen her show. Even _Noah_ hasn't been to see the show, yet. He knows basically everything there is to know about Broadway and he is probably Rachel in a male body, and she doesn't fall in love or anything, but he's her first boyfriend ever. And that means something.

Plus, her friends all really, really like him. And he's handsome.

"Rachel, you're not hitting those high notes like you should be," he says one evening after rehearsal. They're eating at her favorite diner, across the street from her apartment building, and she almost drops her veggie burger.

"Excuse me?"

"I mean, you aren't giving the performance you should."

"Jesse, I hardly think you're credible to be giving this kind of critique." He scoffs and says something and then they're yelling and –

She breaks up with Jesse.

It's sad at first. Jesse was her first boyfriend, and she feels sort of naked and raw without him. She watches through the peephole as he moves out of Finn's apartment, and later that afternoon, Finn knocks on her door and makes her a cup of coffee and sits with her on the couch and lets her talk to him, and he listens.

"Jesse was horrible," she says, "but what if that's the best I can do? What if he's the only boyfriend I'll ever have – Finn. What if he's my _soul mate_?"

Finn's got his arm around her and he rubs at her shoulder. It's very nice, since Finn is so big and she is so little. He laughs a little, says, "Rach, I don't think a girl like you would have a soul mate like Jesse St. James. You're, like, top-tier, and he's total pond scum."

That makes her smile, especially coming from the boy who just five years ago called her a freak. "You think so?"

"Yeah, I do. You're amazing, Rachel. You'll find the right guy, believe me."

She smiles and cuddles against him a little bit, not because she _likes _him (she doesn't) but because he's warm and comfortable and she thinks he may be the nicest friend she's ever had.

V.

They're sitting in the coffee shop near their building – her and Finn and Brittany and Noah. It's sort of a thing, them and this café and coffee.

Finn takes a long sip out of a yellow mug and grimaces as he swallows. "Yep, still don't like this shit."

"You don't have enough creamer, I'm telling you," Noah says. "You need the sugar and the cream."

"Or," Brittany interjects, and she's sitting in this big armchair with her legs over one arm, "get a mocha. Mmm."

"No, you should drink _tea_." She puts her hand on Finn's thigh. "Tea is so good for you."

"And totally disgusting."

"Shut up, _Noah_. I'll punch you."

"Siblings, halt. There are real problems here, and that problem is I need a roommate."

"You don't _need_ one," Brittany says. "You just want one."

"No, Brittany, I'm not in a rent-controlled apartment, so yes, I _need_ a roommate."

"Whatever, I'm just trying to make you feel better about yourself."

He stares at Brittany for a long second, face pinched in confusion. "Yeah, okay. Anyway, I'm screening potential roommates on Saturday, so, Rachel, wanna help me clean the apartment?"

"W-what? Why do I look like I want to clean your apartment?" (To be fair, she sort of does. Finn's apartment is a disgusting, boyish _mess_.)

"You know. Your place is always real clean, and I know you've been wanting to without asking, so I'm offering. Clean it, please? I'll make you dinner."

"But you're a horrible cook."

He rolls his eyes. "Then I'll take you out. C'mon, Rach, _please_?"

She pretends to resist, but then he starts pouting and he looks absolutely ridiculous and it breaks her straight face, and she can't help but start laughing. "Okay, okay, okay. I guess if I have to I'll help you clean the place."

By _help_, though, she certainly means that she will be the one in control. Finn's very nice and very kind and all, but he's not very good at keeping his apartment livable.

"How _ever_ did you and Jesse live together? He is the pinnacle of a neat freak."

"No, that's you," Finn grunts from his spot underneath the kitchen sink. She thinks maybe he's fixing the pipes, or something. Whatever. Rachel may be the queen of cleaning, but maintenance and fixing stuff is totally foreign to her.

She rolls her eyes and finishes dusting his entertainment center. "I'm cleaning your apartment for free, Finn, you might want to consider being a little nice to me."

"I'm taking you to dinner in, like, an hour," he says, getting out from beneath the sink. He leans his head back against the kitchen cabinets. "So it's not _really_ for free."

"Are you trying to make excuses for being mean to me?"

"Nah." He's standing, now, looking around the apartment. "'s pretty clean in here."

"Uh, _yeah_, it is!"

He laughs, and she likes doing that. Making him laugh. He's one of the funniest people she knows, and there is a small bit of victory in this. "So, you ready to go, or what?"

She looks down at her body, clad in overalls and a white shirt – her cleaning clothes – and she gives him a shocked look. "Finn. Do I _look_ like I'm ready to go to dinner?"

"You look fine, Rachel."

"Fine is not acceptable! I will return in forty-five minutes. Make sure you vacuum the ceilings while I'm gone! I'm not tall enough to reach."

VI.

The day she learns that the show – _her_ show – is moving to Broadway is also the day she meets Brody Weston. He's a talented director on Broadway and she's pretty certain that he will be the great love of her life, the one that every newbie actor on Broadway will relish once her life's story becomes its own play.

She falls in love with him on impact, she thinks. He's somewhat taller than her, much older (he's 43), and inhumanly attractive. She meets him in a fancy restaurant, where her cast is hosting a party, and as soon as she enters the room, he stands to meet her.

"Rachel Berry," he says, "quite the pleasure. I've seen the show, and I must say you do play a very hot lead."

"Um, thank you." Her face feels hot. She's never been called hot before, and she doesn't know if it's flattering or a little uncomfortable. When Brody takes her hand, though, she decides it's flattering.

"Let me buy you a drink."

He talks to her the entire night, about his modest roots in Montana, and his steady takeover of Broadway. She lies and tells him she's seen his shows, and at the end of the night he kisses her hard on the mouth, and she swears she loves him.

On their fourth date, he buys her an expensive looking bracelet and she tells him she's only twenty-one but she'll be twenty-two in December, and he just shrugs and leans forward, eases his thigh between hers and kisses her.

Brittany tells her they're moving fast, and Finn and Sam – that's the new roommate, and he's an amateur comic book artist and probably one of the best people she knows – and Noah (obviously) agree. But she likes feeling wanted, likes how fast-paced and adult Brody makes her feel. And so she has sex with him that night, on his couch, and it's fast and nothing at all like it was with Jesse. She doesn't know if that's good or bad, the difference.

The time sort of goes by fast. Between work and Brody and Noah's pending divorce, she sort of lets her friendships fall to the wayside, and she feels bad but she just – she can't get enough of Brody. His validation makes her feel so high, so perfect, and she yearns for that feeling when she's not around him.

Finn comes over one Saturday morning, though, and it's a rare morning when she's not at Brody's, but he had some sort of family affair he had to attend. She pretends it doesn't bother her that he won't introduce her to his family, or talk about their future, or do anything but tell her she's hot and amazing and have sex with her.

"Hey, Rach," Finn says, pushing open the door. "I've got a question for you. I like this girl."

She's lying on her couch, flipping through the channels, and this perks her interest. "Ooh! Tell me more." She pats the cushion beside her and he falls onto the couch.

"She's dating my roommate."

"Oh." She blinks. "Sam's girl?"

"Yeah." He sighs. "I've never – I have never really felt like this before."

"What, you've never liked anyone before?" She sits up and curves her body towards him.

He pauses before answering, and the look in his eyes grows soft for a minute before he's back to being Finn again. "I mean, yeah, I have. I just don't know if I've loved anyone before. Do you? Love anyone, I mean?"

"I'd say I really love Brody. I mean, what else would this feeling be?"

She ignores the wrinkle of Finn's nose. "It's scary, you know? Like, the uncertainty of it all." He puts his hand on her arm. "That's why I like you. You're certain."

"How do you mean?"

"Like, you're my friend. And that's probably never gonna go away, is it?"

She smiles and shakes her head. "No, no, never."

"See? Love isn't – it's not certain."

"I suppose you're right."

"Okay, so say this thing with this girl doesn't work out. Which, knowing my track record, it probably won't. Someday, I'm probably gonna have to get married, and like, if I'm not married by forty-five, and you're not married by forty, why don't you and I get married?"

She furrows her brow. "Is there some reason I wouldn't be married?"

"I said _if_!"

A part of her wants to be difficult, but she knows he doesn't mean any offense, so she considers it for a moment. Marrying Finn. He would be so handsome at their wedding, would probably struggle a little on the dance floor before giving up and just dancing how he wants, she imagines waking up with his body wrapped around hers, and for a moment, she wants it right _now_.

And then he says her name, and she is effectively snapped into the present. "Yeah, Finn. If neither of us are married when I'm forty, I'll marry you."

"Good." He smiles and leans forward and kisses her head. "I'm gonna go. See you later?"

She nods, can't help the smile that spreads her lips. "Later."

VII.

They're in the coffee shop when the door bursts open, a girl, around their age, wearing a wedding dress, and it's Quinn and she barely reacts before the girl's hugging her. Rachel hasn't seen her in so long, and it's seamless, really, her addition into their group.

Noah likes her. Quinn, he means, and they start flirting and then dating and it's the first time there has ever been in-group dating and she's not sure how she feels about it.

Finn tells her, one afternoon when he's hanging around her apartment while she cooks dinner for her and Brody, that it "seems natural. I mean, they're friends first."

"I guess. I've just – I've never been friends, or even best friends, with someone I'm dating."

"What, Brody's not your best friend?" He's got a playful smile on his lips, cocked a little bit upwards, uneven. She likes that about him, that slight imperfection.

"No," she responds, and her voice is insistent and a little adamant when she continues, "you are."

His smile is so sweet, and he tells her that she's his best friend, too.

VIII.

Rachel is almost completely certain Brody is her soul mate. Almost. Sure, he doesn't want to hang out in the coffee shop with her and her friends – he is 43, after all – and so what if he'd rather have sex than talk intimately with her? Those are things she can overlook. She's certain. And besides, she's twenty-two now, and she'll probably win her Tony by the time she's twenty-five, and her plan is to start having babies and be married at twenty-five. Or twenty-six, depending, of course.

She's never asked Brody about marriage, but she thinks he loves her. And when you love someone, you want to marry them _someday_, at least.

It's winter when she asks him, after sex, if he wants to ever get married.

"I've already been married, you know," he says, and he rolls onto his stomach and turns his face to her. "So."

She purses her lips and scoots up so her back rests against the headboard. "I want to get married."

He wrinkles his nose. "You know how many marriages end in divorce these days?"

"You don't want to get married again?" She sort of feels her heart start pounding and thudding in her chest. "You – you don't want to marry me?"

"It's not _you_. Marriage is just pointless. Like, why can't we just live together? Isn't that enough of a commitment? Rachel – Rachel where are you going?"

"Brody, I – I can't be with someone who doesn't want a future with me." She's half-dressed now, and with her sweater over her head, she continues, "I want kids, Brody. Babies and a husband and a house, and fuck, a dog. And a cat. I want it all Brody, and I can't keep wasting my time with someone who can't give me that."

"I thought you loved me."

"I do, but it's – it's not worth it." She grabs her things, her phone, her shoes, her coat. She glances at him in the bed, leaning on his elbows, and she'll miss this. She'll miss _him_. He doesn't bother stopping her, and she cries the entire walk home.

VIII.

Finn knocks on her door, and she answers it drunk. Or maybe just tipsy. She's not sure, but she's crying and there's no more wine and he gives her this look, like _poor little thing_ and it makes her mad, that look, but she lets him scoop her into his arms and carry her into his bed and he lies down beside her and puts both his arms around her and she cries herself to sleep.

When she wakes up, she's disoriented, and she's got a pounding headache, and Finn is curved behind her, his arms tight around her middle. He really is the best friend in the entire world, and she pushes his arms off of her to wake him up.

"Hey," he says, voice all groggy, and he looks so cute when he's just woken up. "Sorry."

"Thanks," she tells him, and he reaches forward and squeezes her shoulder.

"You and Brody, huh?"

She nods. "Yeah, uh…" Her eyes are raw for crying, and she doesn't think she can manage another breakdown like that.

"You don't have to talk about it. I was just worried, you weren't answering the phone or the knocks at the door, so I just kinda…broke in."

She licks her lips. "It means a lot, Finn. Thank you."

He kisses her cheek. "Anything for you, Rach."

It's hard, getting over Brody. She doesn't think she'll ever feel okay again, or whole, but Finn gives her back her smile, and Brittany and Noah and Sam and Quinn and she listens to a lot of Joni Mitchell. It seems that _Blue_ never really leaves her record player, but she learns to smile again, begins to sort of get over Brody, even though it takes her about a year.

Finn dates this horrible, obnoxious woman named Sugar in the midst of her being single and alone and becoming accustomed to the idea that she's probably going to be alone forever.

But Sugar is awful. And it takes Finn awhile to realize it, and he's totally obsessed and grossly gone on her, and she feels like she's lost him to this girl. She wonders if he hated Brody this way. If they all hated him.

But when he realizes, he's despondent, and anxious. It's a little victory, she thinks, but a victory nonetheless.

"I can't believe you guys didn't tell me!" Finn whines, putting his head in his hands.

"We didn't want you to not believe," Sam responds, and he pats Finn's back. "You had to learn on your own."

"Thanks, _Yoda_. That's not gonna help me breakup with this girl."

"Just tell her you don't wanna marry her," Rachel interjects, "that always worked on me."

"Shut up," Quinn snaps from her perch on Noah's lap. Rachel glares, and she shrugs. "Sorry."

"You have been moping," Noah says, and she glares.

"You're literally the king of moping, Noah!" She sits forward, fully prepared to launch into an argument, but –

"Children! Listen. Some things are more important, such as how we're going to murder Sugar."

"Brittany, we aren't going to _kill_ her," Finn says slowly, "I just need her to no longer be in my life."

"Murder is always an option."

"Finn, just be honest. She's a terrifying harpy and no one likes her."

"That's horrible, Noah!" Rachel turns to Finn. "Lie."

"If none of you are going to be helpful…"

They're sitting in Rachel's living room, and she gets up from her armchair and sits beside Finn. "You can do this, Finn. Be nice to her, just let her down easy."

Finn puts his arm around her and she leans a little against him, feels his body warm and comfortable against hers. They're like a family, her and Noah and Quinn and Brittany and Sam and Finn, but there's something different about her friendship with Finn, something stronger. He's always helping her and she's always helping him, and he really, really is her very best friend.

He breaks up with Sugar and asks Rachel for help to get back in shape, and she doesn't understand why he wants her help – she thinks he looks very nice the way he is – but since Brody tore her heart out, she _does_ need a new jogging buddy, so she takes Finn on her route through the park every Monday, Wednesday and Friday morning.

"Thanks, Rach," he says, panting a little as they walk up the stairs in their building. "For all your help, keeping my mind off the Sugar thing. I honestly can't believe she actually got un-divorced from her ex."

"Me, either," she says, and laughs a little, remembering the blowup in the coffee shop. "But I'm glad you're feeling better, Finn."

He bumps her hip with his. "Me, too." They're in front of her door when he says, "Are you better? With Brody?"

"It's been nine months," she responds stiffly. "I'm fine."

"You sure?"

"I think so."

"You don't wanna – wanna talk about it or anything?"

"Nah." He sits at the kitchen table, folds his hands.

"Because, you know, you can talk to me." She smiles and pulls out a glass of water, pours it in a glass and puts it in front of him. "About anything."

"Thanks, Finn. But I'm gonna shower, okay?"

He closes his eyes, opens them again. "Yeah, yeah…sure thing."

IX.

Honestly, she's not certain what she's still so caught up on. Whether it's the loss of Brody or the loss of feeling sexy, but it's been a whole year and she feels sad a lot of the time, and she thinks maybe Brody stole an integral part of who she is, and she can't figure out how to bring it back.

One afternoon, Quinn rants about how horrible she is as a roommate – that she's uptight and a neat freak – and she knows Quinn loves her, that she's just had a rough few weeks what with Noah cheating on her (something about a break), but it strikes a chord in Rachel and she just goes into her room quietly and sits on her bed and cries.

She's so, so dramatic. But she feels awful. And she hears Quinn stomping around, hears her leave, and she tiptoes into the shower and washes all the bad feelings away. She wishes that worked. That a shower could improve the sadness she feels, and she imagines this scene in her memoir – the shower that changes everything.

She does feel better, after. Cleaner. And renewed. When she steps out of the bathroom, hair wet, wrapped in a towel, Finn's sitting on her couch watching television.

"Hiya, Finn," she greets. He looks up and his mouth drops open a little, and then he stands, looking at anywhere but at her, and she laughs a little. She barely has cleavage.

"Hey, I heard about what Quinn said." He puts his hands on her biceps. "You okay?"

She nods. He really does know her _so_ well. "I think so. It just – it made me feel…are those all reasons I don't have a boyfriend? Me being uptight and a neat freak and obsessed with commitment?"

"No, no, come here," he says, and he guides her against his chest, "I don't know why you don't have a boyfriend, Rachel. You should have a boyfriend, because you're my favorite person in the world, and the prettiest girl I've ever seen. And this is coming from _me_."

She smiles and pulls away from him. "Thank you, Finn. I think I really needed to hear that."

"Anything, Rach."

Suddenly, she becomes abruptly aware of her nudity underneath her towel, and she mumbles something about changing and his face is red and she stumbles into her bedroom and shuts the door and wonders what just happened.

Later, she's practicing in her room – simple scales – when she learns she's nominated for a Tony Award, and she starts screaming and jumping on her bed and all her friends join her and they celebrate and she gets so drunk but she finally feels _good_ again.

She stands on the coffee table and belts her most favorite Joni Mitchell song and everyone applauds her for it, and Quinn apologizes and the night is hazy and confused but she wakes up with a big smile on her face, and everything starts feeling better.

When Brody calls after she wins her very first Tony, she's not nervous. Her heart doesn't pound, thrilled, it aches from remembered pain, but she doesn't feel so horrible anymore, and she thinks that's a start. An improvement. He asks if she wants to meet him for dinner, but she tells him not this week, but she'll call him later.

She's not sure if she ever plans to call him again, but she figures that's relatively unimportant.

X.

She turns twenty-three and Noah proposes to a girl he's only known for six weeks named Marley, and they're getting married in London, and it's the very first time she's ever been out of the country.

"Too bad about Quinn, huh," Finn says conversationally. They're in his bedroom, and they're leaving tomorrow, and she's helping him pack appropriately. "I don't think I need two raincoats – "

"What if one gets soaked and you need another? Finn, I'm an expert packer. Guarantee, your suitcase will be under fifty pounds. Guarantee it." She sighs, folds one of his flannel shirts and tucks it into his bag. "And it is too bad about Quinn. I wish she were coming. We always planned on visiting Europe for the first time together, and it sucks that she's being so damn stubborn."

"Rach, put yourself in her shoes." He pushes out a really long breath from his lungs, sits on his bed, and he won't meet her eyes when he says, "Imagine the love of your life marrying someone who wasn't you. And imagine being invited, because you're still best friends even with any residual feelings, and having to make that decision."

She purses her lips. "I suppose so. I do understand, you know. How hard this is for her, and perhaps I'm being selfish in wanting her with me to experience London."

"Well, you have the next best person to experience it with," Finn says, and he's smiling and he touches her wrist gently, "you've got me."

A histrionic sigh, and, "I _guess_ you'll do." Then, the gravity of the situation hits her, and all mirth disappears. "Finn, really. We must get to packing this bag of yours if we're to get our regiment eight hours of sleep tonight! You do know how hard it is to sleep on a plane, right?"

Turns out, he doesn't, because almost as soon as they're in the air, he slumps against the window because that bastard always has to get his way. But there's something sort of sweet about his face as he sleeps that makes any annoyance she has at him immediately dissipate, and sure, she has to shake him awake a few times when the stewardess comes around but he's quite amicable being woken from a nap.

And when she wakes up when they land, in London, she's got her face pressed against his bicep, and he calls her Sleeping Beauty, and she wonders, briefly, if she feels something for him besides friendship, but then decides it's nothing, just sleep's lingering hold. Her emotions are so very fickle when she wakes up, you see.

They spend their first night out in London getting too drunk on beer and wine in a bar and they laugh and talk into the night and Noah's so excited to get married, but confesses a little drunkenly, that he's not sure he should be marrying Marley and asks for Quinn, and Finn and Sam share a worried glance before hauling him to his hotel room.

She and Brittany get hit on at the bar when the boys are gone, and Brittany flirts a little too hard and leaves Rachel alone at the bar and she decides to just go to bed, head heavy and hazy.

It's a good first night in London, she thinks. The perfect kickoff to her first trip to the United Kingdom, even though she wakes up on the day of Noah's rehearsal dinner with a pounding headache.

Marley's family is decidedly wealthy, and somewhat rude to Papa and Daddy about it all. She sits with Finn at a table and Aunt Jan makes a snide comment about Rachel never getting married, even though she's the baby, and Noah's got one failed marriage behind him, anyway.

And it kind of hurts, too. That her family finds her so fundamentally unwed-able and she sort of slips into that old familiar self-deprecation from right after Brody broke up with her, even though she _feels_ good, wearing this pretty black dress that makes every part of her body look incredible, and her hair is long and dark and pretty, and Brittany called her the brunette Rapunzel before they headed down to the banquet hall earlier this afternoon.

Then, of course, one of Marley's uncles calls her a spinster, and that sort of sets her over the edge, and she's reminded again of how horrible it feels to not be married, to not be wanted.

"Hey, Rach, what's wrong?"

He puts an arm around her, rubs his fingers on her bare skin. "Just that I'm an old lady destined to be alone forever."

"Whoa, hold on. Hold on. You're twenty-four, Rach. You've got plenty of time to meet that – that special someone."

"What if I don't? Or what if I already met him and ruined my chances?"

"I swear to God, Rachel Berry, you are not meant to be with Brody Weston." He shakes his head, hugs her tight. "I could kill him for doing this to you. Maybe I will. How much is a plane ticket for tonight back to New York?"

Her laugh is watery, and she hugs Finn tight around his middle. "Don't kill him, Finn. He's not worth a lifetime in prison." She wipes under her eyes and shrugs. "I thought I was done feeling like this."

Finn brushes a strand of her hair out of her face. "Yeah, I don't think anyone ever really gets over their first real, horrid breakup until they're with someone else. Someone better."

There's something strange in his gaze, and she thanks him so very much. He really is the dearest friend, but she feels like she needs a bottle of wine to really solidify that pep talk Finn just gave her, and she wanders away from him.

Later, tipsy on a little too much wine, she realizes what she needs – honestly, truly – is a night of just _sex_. Of good sex, that is. And she knows Sam, ever the playboy, is a relatively good candidate for it. There's no confused lingering like with Finn, and he's not her brother, and Brittany would probably be open to it, but Rachel isn't a lesbian, so.

She knocks on the door and Finn answers and he's wearing his pajamas and _god_, he looks cute. And he's asking her what's wrong, and she tells him it still hurts so, so much, and she says,

"Why am I not enough? Pretty, thin, smart? Talented?"

"Rachel, you _are_ enough. More than enough, Rachel."

"Then why doesn't anyone want to be with me? I'm never the prettiest girl anywhere, you know. My whole life, I've been overshadowed by Quinn and her perfect blonde face and her fake nose and her pretty teeth and I'm always, always, _always_ overlooked."

He puts one of his hands on her shoulder, the other cups her face. "Rachel, you were the prettiest girl in that room tonight, and not because Quinn wasn't there, but because you're the prettiest woman in _most_ rooms."

She kisses him, and he's surprised but he kisses her back, and this is the first time she's kissed him before and she can't believe she's waited so long because she feels everything at once, everything in the universe, she thinks. And she keeps kissing him and he keeps kissing her and he presses her onto the bed and runs his hand down her spine intimately. His mouth is just a centimeter from hers, and he unzips her dress and kisses her so, so hard.

It's never felt like this before. Easy, comfortable, but electric. The skin of his hands is rough as it explores her newly bare skin, but he's gentle with her. No one's ever been so gentle with her, and she feels adored, like a porcelain doll, almost, from how he's kissing her and holding her and – and loving her. Impatient, she kisses him hard, slips her thigh between his, feels him pressed hard against her.

"Do you want this?" He asks, and his voice is softer than she's ever heard it before, and his eyes are vulnerable and sweet and he's her Finn, through and through, and she puts her hands on his cheeks and tells him she thinks she always has.

That gets her an affectionate kiss, and it feels like the morning, like coffee percolating, like the birth of a star – the birth of something built to last. And she's never felt like this before, never felt so right in someone's arms and when he pushes inside of her he waits a minute for her to adjust, and with a wince she remembers that first time with Brody, how he'd disregarded her own body and used it for himself and –

She's not sure why she's thinking of Brody when Finn is kissing her neck, and she pushes him from her mind and gives into Finn.

They do it, like, seven times before she finally falls asleep, curled into his side beneath the blankets, and he kisses her on the forehead as they fall asleep and she wonders if he's been waiting for her for very long.

The very next thing she's aware of is the morning, Finn's fingers squeezing her hip as Noah bursts into the room, yells something about his wedding and Finn sits up but keeps her pressed down, beneath the blankets. Abruptly, she's glad for her size, that she can curl unnoticed beneath the comforter, and when Noah leaves, she feels a little awkward.

"I guess I should go get ready," she says, aware, suddenly, of her nudity. He's not looking at her but he nods slowly and she grabs his dress shirt from last night and puts it on and tiptoes down the hall with her shoes and dress in her hands.

The next time she sees Finn, he's all dressed and handsome in his tux, waiting for her to link her arm with his, and it feels different, now, being close to him.

"So, what happened last night," he murmurs, face red, "that was…"

"Interesting," she supplies in a tight murmur, smiling benevolently at the guests.

"In a word, yes." They separate and she can't keep her eyes from straying to him as the bridal procession begins and – and Marley never shows up. She leaves her brother, standing at the altar, waiting to be married, and – he's been stood up.

They're at the would-be reception, eating the food because they paid the caterers and yes, it's quite awkward and uncomfortable, but as she's serving herself, Finn comes up behind her.

"Last night," he says again. "Pretty amazing, right? We _did_ it."

"Seven times," she says, her mouth curling into a similar smile. "Wanna do it again tonight?"

He looks behind him and kisses her temple quickly. "Oh, yeah."

Except they never get to do it, because Noah needs comforting, and they can't find anywhere to be alone, and then they have to fly back the next morning, and she curls her fingers over the cuff of his flannel shirt and asks him if he wants to keep it a strictly London thing and he agrees.

They're alone in the apartment when they get back to New York, just her and Finn, and he says something about being glad they're keeping the sex London-only, and she nods, and then he says he should probably unpack, but she stops him, says,

"Finn, I just – I wanted to thank you. For what you did, in London, that – that night…it meant a lot to me. Whenever I'm in a bad place, you're always there for me, and I guess…just, thanks."

He smiles, puts his hand on her shoulder. His hand is big and it curves around her shoulder, and his thumb stretches to brush across her clavicle. She tries not to close her eyes, tries to stop her body from remembering how his mouth had pressed against that very spot. She wonders if he's trying not to remember too.

"You know, that night…it meant a lot to me, too, Rachel, but – not for the same reasons. It just meant a lot to me because – because it's you. And you mean very much to me."

She wants to kiss him, but instead she just wraps her arms around his middle and lets him go when he insists that he really should unpack, and he smiles brightly at her even as he shuts the door behind him.

Is it wrong of her? To – to _want_ him like this again? She thinks it might be, but just as she's heading to her bedroom to unpack her things, the door pushes open.

"Does it count – does it count that I'm still on London time?"

Her heart feels so, so light, and she tells him, "Yeah, that counts," and he smiles before kissing her hard on the mouth, her hands on his neck, his hand cupping her cheek, and he guides them clumsily to her bedroom.

After, when they're naked and their chests are heaving, he kisses her forehead, whispers something horribly sweet and tugs her into the side of his body.

"What is this?" She asks, pressing her cheek against his chest.

"My body?"

"No, no," she laughs a little, lifts her face so she can meet his eyes. "This. Us."

He purses his lips. "Well, the best friendship I've ever had, first of all," and that makes her laugh. "I think – I think it's something good. Something that maybe we should wait to define."

"Something we should keep between us, for right now?" He nods slowly.

"Is that – is that okay with you?"

She smiles, kisses his chin. "I've got you, Finn. That's more than okay with me."

XI.

It's perhaps a little irresponsible, to be making out with Finn on her couch this way with the door unlocked, but he'd come over for lunch and this just seemed appropriate. So when the door opens, she pushes Finn away and he falls on the floor from the force of her blow.

"Ooh, is it push Finn off things day?"

"Uh, no, no it's not, Brittany. Finn just – well, he was being rude."

"Finn, really! You are out of control."

"What?"

He's back on the couch, and Rachel presses her hand against his thigh, shakes her head, mouths _don't worry about it_ and they wait patiently for Brittany to leave, but instead she settles on the couch between them.

She's trying to have a conversation with Brittany about this show she's choreographing, but Finn keeps giving her these _looks_ that make her stomach flutter, and then he stands up to wash the dishes for her (really, he's the best) and as he passes her, he presses two fingers against the nape of her neck, which makes her shudder a little.

"Rachel, are you cold? Do you need me to put the heat on?"

"Brittany, it's April, I'm absolutely fine. Just, well, you know."

"Oh, yeah. A spirit must have just been sitting on your shoulders. Damn! We could've caught him." She stands up. "Next time, be prepared!" And then she grabs her purse and leaves and within seconds Finn's kissing her hard on the couch.

They almost get caught a _lot_, especially by Sam, who's constantly popping in and out of Finn's room when she's with Finn in there. One day, she's kissing Finn's hipbones when the door swings open and Sam doesn't even notice her.

"Finn, I'm worried."

"What about?"

"This comic."

"Haven't you been worried for, like, four years?" Finn is obviously very agitated, so she flattens her palm against his thigh and rubs it soothingly. "_Not helping_," he mutters through clenched teeth.

"Well, I'm more worried now. You're not doing anything, are you?"

"I'm a _little_ busy." She presses her hand against him, feels his instantaneous reaction. "Get out get out get out!"

"Okay, whoa, you don't have to be all pushy about it! But after you finish your porn. Can't you come and give your best friend in the world some help?"

Rachel's already got her mouth around him when Sam turns and shuts the door behind him.

"I'm so mad at you," he says, his voice breathless and hitching, "_god_."

"No you aren't," she responds. "You could never be mad at me, especially when I do _this_."

His answer is a low grunt, and he threads his fingers in her hair, and she considers the subject appropriately dropped.

Rachel decides to leave her show in May, and Finn asks her about a hundred times if she's sure, and Noah's concerned, too.

"Why are you so concerned, though, Hudson?" He takes a long sip from his coffee. "Like, what would Rachel's career have anything to do with yours?"

She puts her hand on Finn's thigh to stop him from reacting, and she hopes the touch goes unnoticed. "I'm just being a concerned friend, dude."

"Yes, I, too, am very concerned," Quinn says, leaning forward in her seat, and she's grinning. "Will you ever work again?"

Rachel rolls her eyes. "I'll be _fine_, boys, Quinn. Honestly. I could use the time off."

Finn straightens in his seat. "You know, I have the summer off with work and stuff."

"Huh. How interesting. Maybe we all should go somewhere?"

By _all,_ she hopes Finn knows she means just the two of them.

XII.

She tells him she always wanted to go to Southern California, and he tells her he'll take her there, and they spend the week under the guise of "a family thing" (Finn) and "a new show contract" (Rachel). Really, they're in California and they spend most of their time not on the beach, but in their bed in their hotel room, languid in the privacy.

One afternoon, when she's brushing her hair and he's lying on his stomach across the bed, Finn says, "I like this."

"What do you mean?"

"This. You, me, the openness. The privacy."

She smiles and lies on his back. "I like it, too." He grips her hips and rolls underneath her, and she leans down and kisses him. "I like _you_."

"Do you?" She leans her forehead on his. "I really like you, too."

Leaving is sad. Finn has to physically pry her from the hotel bed, and she grumbles the entire drive to the airport. "Listen, Grumpy," he says, "you're gonna need to cheer up. You'll still be my girl in New York."

He's never called her that before. "Is that what I am?"

"Do you want to be?" He takes their intertwined hands and brings her knuckles to his mouth.

"Um, yes, yes, I do."

He holds her hand all the way until the cab drive back to their building in New York, and he kisses her one last time in the backseat of the cab. "I'm gonna take a nap, okay, baby?"

She nods and squeezes his cheeks and they head inside and their friends are all there, waiting, and Quinn gives her a surreptitious look.

"You had sex."

"W-what?"

"Don't deny it, Rachel Berry," she guides them into the apartment, "you totally fucked some guy at your meeting for your show. Wait! No! I know what you were _really_ doing."

"You can't fool _us_!" Brittany chimes in. "Wait, Quinn, what do you think she was doing?"

"Obviously, she took the week away with her _lover_."

"Oh, yes. That is also what I was thinking."

Can she even deny it? She sighs, nods solemnly. "You caught me."

"Haha! We win this round!"

"Well, while you two celebrate your victory, I'm just going to go unpack and take a nap. Jetlag, you know."

"Wait, hold on, you have to tell us who this guy is! It's not Brody, is it?"

"No! Why would I ever try anything ever again with Brody?"

"Hey, I'm just tossing out guesses. Do we know him?"

"Um…you might."

"Is it your gynecologist?"

"Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm – I'm dating my gynecologist!"

"Wow, he must be really good in bed if you're shouting like this."

"Yeah, he's – he's the best I've ever had." She smiles, because _that's_ not a lie. "I'm really going to nap, now. I'll see you later."

She falls asleep as soon as she slips under the covers and doesn't wake up until it's dark outside and Finn is in bed beside her. Disoriented, she thinks for a moment they're still in California, because why else would Finn's body be curled around hers like this?

"Hey, sleepyhead," he murmurs. "I originally came in here to wake you up, but you looked so peaceful, and I couldn't really resists cuddling up with you and I must've fallen asleep."

She yawns and sits up and his arms are loose around her waist and he puts one of his hands on the small of her back, under her shirt and she sighs as he runs his hand up and down her skin.

"Also, the hotel called, said we left behind a pair of 'women's underwear' and an eyebrow pencil. Imagine me trying to explain _that_ to Sam."

She laughs. "Sorry, baby. It must've slipped my mind."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." He glances at the clock. "So, you think it's about time you make dinner?"

"Is everyone here, do you think? Because how are we going to explain you and I, alone in my bedroom?"

"No, if they were here, we'd hear them." He sighs. "All right. Back to the real world."

She slips out of bed and pats his cheek. "We'll be okay. We can tell them soon, if you want."

"I just like this, between us. It feels so much more real, plus, Puck's _probably_ gonna kill me, so I wanna spend as much time with you as I can."

"He's not gonna murder you, Finn." He raises his eyebrows. "Okay, he'll probably try. You should change your name and move far, far away from here."

"As long as you come with me, sweetheart."

XIII.

They're kissing on Finn's bed and she thinks she's in love with him.

It's just past nine in the morning and they're all clean from showering (together) and he's on his back and she's half on top of him, one hand on his neck and the other rubbing little circles on his stomach beneath his tee shirt.

It's slow and it's languid and they could be having sex but she's content right here, and it's when he slips his hand under her shirt and presses it flat against her back, pushing her closer, that she realizes that she's completely in love with him, and she wants to tell him but she also wants to keep it to herself, revel in it – in loving him.

He sighs, she shifts, and she is so very wrapped up in him she doesn't hear the door to his bedroom open in time to move.

"Finn – _Rachel_?!"

"Fuck," Finn curses, "_Fuck_. Sam, wait – "

"Don't tell me it's not what it looks like because – Finn and Rachel? You?" He points to Rachel. "And him?!"

"Yes," Rachel says, kneeling on the bed and putting her hand on Finn's arm.

"We wanted to keep it quiet so you guys didn't all freak out on us."

"What? When?"

"London."

"_London_?"

"Shh," Finn says. "Look, we're – we're gonna need you to keep this to yourself for a bit."

"What? No! I – I need to tell someone."

"Sam, please. We're not ready to share it with everyone just yet. Please understand."

He groans and leans back on the bed before sitting upright. "This is really good, isn't it?"

Finn looks at her and smiles so sweetly it nearly takes her breath away. "Yeah," he says, and he puts his hands on her waist, "it's amazing."

She kisses him, wrapping her arms around his neck and Sam groans and says something about not wanting to see _this_ but they ignore him and return to their slow morning kisses.

XIV.

When she told Brody she loved him the first time, it was grandiose. She had a speech prepared as well as several songs to accompany it, and though she ended up not using the songs, she was very prepared.

Finn tells her he loves her before he goes to work one morning in September. She's curled beneath the covers, awake but not quite ready to move, and he's wearing his teacher clothes and she teases him about it and then he's kissing her goodbye, and he murmurs,

"I'll see you later, baby girl. I love you."

She kisses his cheek, tells him, "I love you, too," and then he leaves.

It's not until lunch time that she realizes and she calls him on his break and just tells him she loves him over and over and he laughs, says he loves her, too, and then that he has to go back to work. He _loves_ her. A man she wasn't related to before has never told her he loved her.

So enamored and befuddled is she that when Quinn gets home from work, Rachel says, "Finn told me this morning he loves me."

"Well, duh," Quinn says, "hasn't that been obvious?"

She furrows her brows. "What do you mean?"

"Rachel, Finn's been totally in love with you for, like, ever. Well, maybe not in love. But he totally has had a crush on you for a long time."

"I never – I never knew."

She shrugs and goes into her room and she waits until three to let herself into Finn's apartment and bedroom and when he comes in she hugs him so, so tight.

"What's this about? Not that I don't appreciate it."

"I just love you so much."

He kisses her on the nose. "Baby, baby, I love you, too."

It never felt like this, with Brody, or with Jesse. And she's starting to wonder if she loved Brody at all or whether she put him on a pedestal and pushed herself down in comparison to him. She adores Finn, but she's his equal, she thinks. He loves her just as much as she loves him, and he always makes her feel good and he doesn't get mad when she doesn't want to have sex (which isn't _that_ often).

Her relationship with Finn makes her happier than she's ever been, and she loves him all the more for that.

Much later, when she's wearing just his shirt and is curled beside him, she tells him, "No one in my life has ever made me as happy as you do, or loved me like you do without shame."

"Me, too," he murmurs.

"I told Quinn that you love me this morning, but she thought it was unrequited."

His cheeks, already warm, get warmer and flush red. "What?"

"How long have you had a thing for me, Finn Hudson?"

"Since forever," he responds. "But the whole being in love with you thing, that's new. I've just always wanted you."

She knows he's weird about commitment, but she thinks she is certainly going to marry Finn Hudson one day.

XV.

When they fight about something insignificant, Finn tries to break up with her, and _that_ is how the rest of their friends (and her brother) find out about them. She's midway through telling him that one fight doesn't mean you end things when Noah walks in.

"Now is _not_ the time, Noah."

"I'm just gonna use the bathroom," he says a little awkwardly.

As soon as he's in the bathroom, she tells Finn, "So _what_ if we're fighting? It's stupid, Finn! This entire fight, it's dumb and ridiculous and I know for a fact you don't want to break up with me, so why are you even trying to?"

"Who's breaking up with who?" Quinn says as she and Brittany and Sam walk in.

"We are _not_," Finn insists. "I'm so sorry, Rachel. I just – I thought fighting meant you should breakup."

"No, no, no." He's got his hands on her shoulders and she leans up and kisses him. "I'm sorry, too. I shouldn't push you about your mother and stuff."

"I'm just being oversensitive and I blew up on you." He gives her a kiss on the mouth and it's not until Brittany starts screaming that they _realize_.

"Since when are you guys _kissing_!"

Noah comes out of the bathroom. "Who's kissing?"

"Finn and Rachel!"

"Dude – _dude_!" Finn slips out of her arms and moves quickly towards the door. "Dude, you're my best friend and that's my _sister_!"

"Uh, bye, Rach, I'll call you from wherever I'm in hiding!"

"Noah, relax," Rachel says, putting her hand on his arm. "We're not just fucking around, he loves me."

"You – you love my sister? My best friend loves my sister?"

"Yes."

She puts her hand in Finn's, curls into his side. "We love each other."

"Oh! _That's_ what you were talking about when you told me Finn loved you a few weeks ago."

"Sam, you've been mysteriously _silent_," Brittany accuses.

"That's because he walked in on us, like, a month ago," Finn explains. "We asked him to be quiet about it."

She sits beside Finn on the couch and puts her hand on his thigh because she _can_, now, and she decides that that is more than worth it. As they're talking about, she can't stop thinking about their fight, and Finn's reaction to it and later, when he's more than made it up to her, she asks him,

"Is this how you're reacting to us becoming more and more serious? We've been together almost a year, you know." He licks his lips, runs his fingers up and down her thigh and she wiggles a little. "Finn, don't distract me!"

He laughs and kisses her cheek. "I've never been serious with a girl like this, you know."

"I know. That's why I'm worried, because I got this far the last time and – "

"Baby, you don't need to be so worried. You know, I was thinking, earlier, when we were hanging out with everyone – I want you to meet my mom."

"You do?"

"Yeah." She cuddles closer to him, pulls the blankets tighter around her shoulders. "Rachel, I don't think anyone in the world loves anyone as much as I love you."

She's never been speechless before, but she can't really think of what to do besides kiss him hard on the mouth. "I love you so much, Finn."

He kisses her back, his tongue slipping into her mouth and he's extraordinarily sweet to her that night, kissing all around her chest and leaving little marks on her clavicle that she'll be annoyed by tomorrow, and his hips press against her slowly and she is certain that there has never been a man so perfect for her as Finn Hudson.

XVI.

They've been together a year and a half when Rachel runs into Brody at Whole Foods. She's buying this organic pasta Finn really likes because she's making them dinner tonight for the first time in a few weeks. She's rehearsing for the role of a lifetime, Fanny Brice, because she, Rachel Barbra Berry, has been cast in the revival of _Funny Girl_. But between late rehearsals and Finn taking on an advanced placement history class as well as his other four classes _and_ the glee club, they haven't had much time together.

She's struggling to reach the pasta box when a hand reaches over her head and puts it in her hands. "I see you haven't grown."

She gasps a little. "Brody!"

"Nice to see you, Miss Berry," he says, and she can tell he's flirting a little.

Honestly, she's astounded by the complete lack of feelings she's got for him, but she attributes that to the near perfect relationship she's got with Finn. "You as well, Brody." It's awkward for a moment, and she steps back. "Well, I've got my pasta, so."

"Wait. You never called me."

"And?"

"Let's get lunch, c'mon. Catch me up on your life. Rumor has it you're rehearsing for Fanny?"

"The rumor is correct, yes, I am." She sighs, looks at her little basket of groceries. "Lunch sounds fine."

She text messages Finn all throughout her horribly awkward lunch, and after benevolently paying for their meals, Brody says, "I still have feelings for you."

And she tells him, "I'm in love with someone else."

"Who?"

"Finn."

"You're in love with Finn Hudson?" He blinks. "So he's _not_ gay?"

"Yes, I love Finn, and I'm going to marry him one day because even though he's been afraid of commitment and marriage his entire life he's not afraid to marry _me_."

"Are you really in love with that caveman?" They exit the restaurant, and she stands at the edge of the sidewalk to hail a taxi.

It happens very quickly. Her phone buzzes, a taxi pulls to the curb, and Brody kisses her on the mouth, his hands high on her waist beneath her breasts and she pushes him so hard he has to steady himself on a parking meter.

"You disgust me, you know that? I don't _want_ you, Brody, not anymore, not after you ruined me." She rolls her eyes and gets in the cab, asks the driver to pause for a moment and she rolls down the window and tells Brody, "I hope you're happy one day, the way I am with my Finn, because you aren't ever going to get me back. I'm sorry. Thank you for lunch."

When she gets home, Finn's setting the kitchen table and he can tell she's upset. "Hey, hey, what's wrong?"

"Brody," she tells him, putting her hands on his elbows. "I saw him at Whole Foods, and he asked me to lunch and I decided to go just because – because I thought maybe I could be friends with him, but – but – "

"Did he put his hands on you?" Finn's got her face in his hands.

"He kissed me."

"I'm going to murder him."

"Finn, wait, wait, I told him off – "

"—that's my girl—"

"—and anyway, I don't want you to miss our date night because you're in prison for murder. Okay?"

He leans down and kisses her, and his mouth is soft and sweet and so, so Finn. "I'm sorry he touched you."

"Me, too."

They cook dinner side-by-side and eat and do disgustingly coupley things that would be annoying in public like feed each other and he offers to wash the dishes if she'll dry them and he even offers to rub her feet when they curl together on the couch.

"I'm pretty sure you are the perfect person," she tells him, leaning back and sighing as he rubs her arches.

"Nah." He shifts a little, and he sighs heavily.

"What's wrong, baby?"

"I'm just – just nervous." He keeps rubbing her feet, though.

"You know what we should do?" She asks suddenly, thinking of the new ice cream store down the block that serves vegan.

"Get married?"

"_What_?" He's already beside her on the couch, though, on his knee, and this is happening it's really happening and he barely gets to _will you_ before she shouts that, "Yes, yes I will marry you!" And then she tackles him and he swears a little as his head knocks into the coffee table, but they're engaged they're engaged she, Rachel Barbra Berry, is engaged, and she thinks this will be the most exciting, energetic, passionate scene in the musical that will be written about her life.

XVII.

It rains on their wedding day, thunders, even, but she can't be bothered to care about anything but her dads' arms linked through hers and Finn's beaming smile waiting for her at the end of the aisle.

She doesn't remember much but it's all on video, and he tells her so certainly that "you are everything that I never knew I wanted," and she's never felt so loved before in her entire life. Her vows are a confused jumble but she knows he gets the point because his eyes are soft and warm and he kisses her after they're pronounced man and wife and she loves him so very dearly.

Her face absolutely hurts from smiling so much, but she can't stop. They're in the limo and he's kissing the side of her face, and she tells him that she loves him more than she loves Broadway and she's never told anyone that before but he's smiling like he knew that already.

At the reception, she drinks one too many glasses of champagne and she's not _drunk_ just a little tipsy.

"I've got a surprise for you," he murmurs as he takes her hand and helps her out of her seat. He leads her to the dance floor and the DJ starts playing their song. As he draws her in close, he tells her that he took ballroom dance classes for her.

She dances with Finn and with Brittany and Quinn and Noah and Sam and her dads but Finn's the most important, obviously, and she's one hundred percent certain it's the best wedding

Later, she's naked but for her veil and underwear and she's straddling him. "You're the best husband I've ever had," she tells him, and he laughs and stretches his neck to kiss her on the mouth.

"I'm the only husband you've ever had."

"Will ever had."

"Have," he corrects. "I love you so much."

"You are the earth and I am the moon."

He laughs and kisses her, lays his palm flat against her back, between her shoulders, and he pulls off her panties and unclasps her bra and kisses her so hard and she is absolutely certain, now, that her love for Finn surpasses any other love in the world.

XVIII.

Being married is the thing she likes most in the world besides singing. It's so fantastic, coming home from rehearsals and having her husband in her bed and not having to call her boyfriend. And she thought it would be the same as living with him, but being married is so much more sure and solid.

She gets to call him honey and he goes with her to the DMV when she changes the name on her license and holds her hand all the way home from the grocery store. And he's there when she sprains her ankle because he's her emergency contact and he's allowed to sit with her while the doctor wraps her ankle.

He even waits on her at home and when she tells him she doesn't have to, he rolls his eyes and tells her, "I'm your husband, baby, of course I'm gonna take care of you," and then he kisses her on the head.

She decides to leave _Funny Girl_ and it's the toughest decision she's ever made in her life, and just like when she left her very first show, Finn asks her again and again if she's sure.

One more time, when they're putting on their pajamas in the bedroom, he asks her. "Are you completely positive you wanna leave the show? It was your dream, sweetheart."

She looks at him and pulls back the blankets and slips under the covers and when he joins her and pulls her close, his hands slipping up her tank top to press against her breasts.

"I know it was my dream, but I've got a new dream, and that dream is you and me, and a little baby."

His face is decidedly shocked and he immediately halts his ministrations on her body. "W-what?"

"I want a baby."

"You want a baby."

She kisses him. "A family. If it's within your means."

"Well, the good news is, I can definitely give you a baby." He pulls one hand out from her shirt and he cups her cheek, gives her a kiss, and he tries to pull away, tries to murmur something in the space between their mouths but she doesn't want that, right now, she just wants him.

XIX.

"Finn, I think I should see someone."

"Someone?" He looks up from his paper. "Someone, like who? Like a new man?"

"No," she says and she pulls his chair out and sits on his lap. "Like a doctor."

He closes his eyes, rests his hand on her waist as she rubs his shoulder, and he releases this sad little sigh. "Rachel, I – I know we're having problems conceiving…but what if they tell you something you don't want to hear?"

"It may be something I need to hear." She leans her forehead against his temple. "Finn, no matter what happens with us and the possibility of a baby…you'll always have me. And I'll always have you, okay? We – we won't be one of those couples who can't have babies and drifts apart, right? I love you too much to let you go like that."

"Baby, I'm never letting you go, unless you absolutely do not want me anymore."

"I'll never…_not_ want you."

She's so nervous before she goes to the doctor. Finn's going to be thirty next month, you know, and though she is still in her prime, _thirty_ scares her. Terrifies her. But she goes to the doctor and her fears subside and she visits Finn at school afterwards.

He's in a class and she waves from outside his room and he smiles at her. It makes her feel so special, that smile, and the bell rings and students rush out and she hears the quiet titter of teenage girls whispering _that's Mr. Hudson's wife_ and _it's so unfair that she's pretty_. She flushes in pride and lets herself in Finn's classroom.

"Do you mind that I stopped by?" She asks and he shakes his head, puts his hand on her cheek and gives her a quick kiss.

"I'm glad to see you, actually, because I forgot my lunch and – "

She pulls out the bag and he grins thankfully.

"You really are the best. So, sit down, I've got 'til one twenty-five free and I don't have much to grade."

"Aren't you glad I convinced you to finish grading those papers _before_ sex because I knew you wouldn't be motivated afterward?"

"Yes, yes, you win this time, baby."

She thinks maybe that's the perfect window. "S-speaking of baby…"

"Oh, god, your doctor's appointment was today. I'm still sorry I couldn't take you, but I had a lesson."

She puts her hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry, Finn. But I went and got tested and the doctor decided to run a whole gambit of other tests on me and um, they took a urine test and it said that I am pregnant."

"You're – what? But? Morning – no puke?"

"It's not certain, and they ran a blood test to be completely positive, but…"

"You're…pregnant?"

She nods and he hugs her so tight she almost loses her breath but he seems so delighted, and she honestly, truly adores this man, and she almost nearly can't believe it, but in eight months they'll have a little baby.

XX.

Everyone comes by the day they move out of the apartment, Quinn and Noah and their baby, Beth, and Sam and Brittany and Brittany's wife Santana and she can't stop crying and Finn tells everyone it's _just hormones_ but she's genuinely extremely sad and she's lived here since she was eighteen and –

"Why cry? Mama?"

"Mama's just sad about moving," Finn says, pulling Molly from her stroller and putting her in Rachel's arms so she can nuzzle into the crook of her neck. "And she's also hormonal from your baby sister."

"Finn, I'm telling you, it's a boy – "

"Not another lover's quarrel," Santana protests. "And let's get on with it and we'll all pretend like we're never going to see each other again even though we're going to Finn and Rachel's for dinner this weekend."

"Shut up Santana," Rachel says, and she's crying, "I'm gonna miss your sass."

"Please don't hug me – " But Rachel's already hugging her, Molly cuddled beneath her chin. "Finn, your crying pregnant wife is crying on me. Please, please, take her away."

"Don't act like you hate her, I saw your eyes fill with tears when you got here."

"I've never seen this place so empty," Noah says, and he's running his hands up and down Quinn's forearms.

"I'm gonna miss this place," Quinn adds. "You know, we've all lived here at one point?"

"Oh, yeah," Rachel says, and she's not really crying anymore and Finn kisses her temple. "It's the best place I've ever lived."

"Yeah, because it was rent-controlled."

"That is very true. It was quite the steal."

Finn tugs her hand, says, "You know, honey, we really should get going."

She pouts, but agrees. "C'mon. Let's all go get a cup of coffee one last time, all six of us."

"Eight, now," Quinn corrects. "Nine come October."

"This is so weird," Brittany notes as they make their way out of the apartment, the final time. "I don't think I've ever seen this door locked before."

"Yeah, me either." Finn furrows his brow. "I don't think we ever realized the implications of that one, baby."

Finn puts his arm around her, and Molly's in her stroller and it's the end of an era. The best era of her life, so far. But Finn kisses her before they get to the staircase, and she is certain that the next era will somehow out best this one, just as she was certain of her musical prowess, and later, just as she was certain of Finn.

* * *

**This is a Christmas present for my pal Jess, so Merry Christmas to you and happy holidays to everyone else and as always this is dedicated to my girl Rachel but also to Shanna and Laura and Jenna and Tori because y'all read snippets and seemed to think it was good so!**

** Obviously, this is based off of Monica and Chandler from Friends, so credit is due there for this idea! :) Thank you for reading and pls review!**


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